Setbacks

If I had written this entry a few weeks ago I would surely have had a different topic to discuss. I have had approximately 2 weeks of pretty good feelings. I was able to focus on my schoolwork and simple tasks in my life, and I took 2+ showers each week. I even did my hair and put on makeup those days. I ensured I looked really good for my doctor appointments so that they could see what I should be looking like more days than not (instead of the opposite, which is how I live now). During this time I completed 2 major papers in school and even made a commitment (which I kept) to go to the movies on that Friday. And again, I was able to get ready including hair, make up, etc. I honestly felt like I was better. I was a little anxious, but I conquered that feeling and participated in life for once.

Then Saturday hit. Of course, I needed the weekend (Sat, Sun, and Mon) to catch up with my new class, but unfortunately that's not what happened. Not only could I not focus on homework, but also I couldn't keep focused on reading, watching TV, nothing. I ended up in a fetal position for most of my days. My thoughts were racing so bad that I couldn't think straight. Sunday was no better. And Monday, yesterday, I couldn't keep my thoughts together at all. All of these negative thoughts were bouncing around in my head so rampantly that I couldn't do anything but sink into what my head was thinking. I spent most of the day in my bed, which I hate, but luckily I was able to sleep a lot. It's so disturbing to have this happen to me, especially for several days.

The reality is that I am extremely frustrated by periods of this whacked out thinking and behavior. I can't for the life of me understand why this happens to me. I am an articulate, intelligent, social, and generally kind person...so why do I have days where I am so lost? No doctor has been able to explain this, and I am stumped myself. I recently grilled my doctors about the medications I take, since I take A LOT, and the firm answer I received from all of them is that the drugs I take, antidepressants, for example, only help me (and everybody else) to feel just a little bit better. Instead what's more important is that I force myself to be active.

Can someone please tell me how this is possible? Do they think that I can just switch direction and be the person I used to be? I mean, I am aching to be active! I want to be the person I was before this damned accident! I want to get up everyday and take a shower (or at least get ready) and go places. I want to do this EVERY day. I even plan out my week in my calendar that includes me getting ready and going to a library to study or whatever. Yet, it really never happens. So often I am so overly and inexplicably anxious with random and dehumanizing, self-criticizing thoughts that disable me. How would you feel if your dominant thoughts were constantly telling you not only that you're a failure but reasons why? The only question left is when you would start to give in. I am my own worst enemy, I know. And not only me, but my professional help, don't know how to fix it.  

I receive ECT treatments every month, which have made a difference in my level of depression, and I am grateful beyond words for this. It hasn't stopped it completely, but between my mom dispersing my medications (so that there is no chance of my overdosing) and the treatments themselves, this strange focus of wanting to kill myself has mostly dissipated, with the exception of those horrible days like I described above.

During those periods where I am not strong, I picture things like holding a gun to my temple. I am also sure I am a severe burden to my family, so I often think I should just leave. Pack up the car with as much stuff as I can, load the dog, and hit the road. I think about this a lot when I am like this, actually. It's different than fixating on desperately wanting to end my life, which is great. But this idea to just run, sleep in my car, walk the dog, not worrying about showers since I can take them at YMCAs when I can. The idea that I can just run away from this environment where I spend almost all of my time feels like I would finally feel freedom...something I have not felt for a long, long time. I honestly don't know where I would end up. I just know that although I would miss my family terribly, I would feel better knowing that they could live their lives without having to take care of me or make excuses because I can't function effectively.

All of these details are part of the reason that I heartily believe that I am a burden to my family, my mother in particular. I have no words to describe the extreme and lasting guilt I feel when I have to rely upon her assistance. I feel useless and truly hate myself for the extra work I cause her. Sometimes I would rather she just stop helping me. I already feel alone, so it probably won't be so bad if she just gave up on me. I'm a hopeless case, and we all know it.

So yeah. These last few days have been a significant setback in feeling better. Intellectually, I know that there will be a period where I feel strong again. Yesterday my mom and I made a list of things that I wanted to do--tasks that aren't pressing but I would really feel better if I could take care of them. I really, really hope I can do those things. She has promised to help me--which makes my head insist that I am worthless and can't do anything anymore--so I hope that I can achieve my goals.

Setbacks are part of life--in all facets of life really--and I am no stranger to them in many respects. For me, I need to fight that horrific negative thinking which keeps me stuck, so that I can fight and fight hard. I imagine that many of you understand what it feels like to experience a setback, mental or situational. And I am sure you all thought it majorly sucked. So I guess that I am going to continue to strive to reach deep into myself and summon the strength I need to get past myself. I really, really want to succeed...like a lot of you can do.

I have work ahead of me, so wish me luck. And as always, thanks for reading.