Let's just start out by recognizing that everyone knows how it feels to be disappointed. Perhaps you weren't picked to be the leader of a creative team at work, or maybe your favorite sports team lost the game 2-3, whatever. There are countless ways that we all come to feel disappointed in our lives. It just depends on who you are and what you value as important. I see being disappointed as needing an attitude adjustment, and I'm used to feeling disappointed because my life is limited and difficult--although I will heartily admit that my disappointment sometimes departs, and I feel okay about where I am in the circle of life because I am blessed to have such loving people around me who do their best to show me they care and help me to overcome difficult moments.
Moving on, then there's that disappointing "thing" in your life that keeps happening over and over, and over time or just suddenly that disappointed feeling turns into frustration. Again this isn't a new emotion for any of us either. We've all been frustrated at some point. Whether it's being late to work while stuck in miles of traffic that doesn't seem to move or that you keep practicing something (dancing, singing, playing a musical instrument, doing math, whatever) but it's not coming together for you. Maybe you live paycheck to paycheck and still can't pay your bills, so you have difficult choices to make every month. In the end, it doesn't matter the scenario. You're just frustrated.
Frustration is a step-up from disappointment because when you feel frustrated it affects your mood, not only your attitude. You could be pissed off that you can't afford to buy any more food until the 1st of the month, even though you really need to, all the while trying to stay calm and think rationally about what you're going to do whilst the neighbor's dog is barking so loud it's as if he's in your kitchen with you. And it's tough to get beyond that frustration because you're not in control of what's happening and you direly wish you were. And that frustration can be very aggregating...leading to points which are not at all in the best interests of anyone near you.
In fact, to me frustration is like walking on the edge of a precipice. You still have a choice to walk away from the danger of falling off the edge (something that will most assuredly be horrific for you) even if you're already truly at the edge looking down. Yet we know that we can still gain control at this point because the messages that we can do it, hang in there, whatever, have been blasting in our faces between Facebook memes, TV commercials, and inspirational posters for decades...not to mention, let's face it, we've all overcome a lot of crap in our lives thus far, so there's an innate feeling that you can get through this too.
What is necessary is simple actually. When feeling frustrated one must simply remove oneself from the situation, even if it's only through visualization for a minute or so (which has an amazing effect on many, many people so don't knock it until you've tried it--and I mean really tried it). Doing this--this simple thing of focusing your thoughts on a pleasant memory or a goal or the love of your children, etc.--can mean that you have an opportunity to step back from a powerfully-negative emotion and instead rationally piece together your thoughts and your next move. It doesn't mean that things are going to get better. It just means that you are giving yourself a chance to think clearly and rationally. If you want my advice, the second you feel frustrated is the time that you give yourself a break (for as long as possible...maybe only just time enough to count to ten even, but hopefully longer) because what an escalation of frustration leads to is ugly.
I often wonder how many people in the world actually understand how it feels to be in a rage. I've been there more times than I can count--especially in the last 7 years--and I can tell you firsthand that its very scary when you look back on how you felt, your thought processes at the time, and the actions you took. There's no control being in a rage...there's only this unmitigated, strong, uncontrollable feeling that can and does make you act out in dangerous ways. Easy example: everyone knows about the plague of mass shootings in the U.S.and in the other parts of the world. That's rage at work.
Last night I was able to make it through a rage that was really, really harsh. I want to tell you about it because it's surreal to me when I look back at how I felt and what my thoughts were, and I honestly feel lucky that I couldn't/didn't do what my mind was telling me to do.
It started with being disappointed about having to deal with constant shocks in my legs (while being shocked, of course). This was quickly followed by feelings of intense frustration because I know that this pain and just complete randomness of shocked location is a prevalent part of my new life. Before I knew it I was lost and helpless and instead of thinking even slightly clear. I could only fixate on the fact that this was going to be part of my life for the rest of my life.
When this happens to me I typically try to calm myself down through either listening to music or by watching re-runs of The Big Bang Theory. Everyone has something they can do to help them escape/relax/whatever. Both of my activities include me laying in my bed, which is pretty typical for me, as you know, but in the end they work, and I was able to stop fixating and relax after a while. Soon after I fell asleep.
A few hours later I awoke to a situation that happens to me much more than I want to acknowledge. I know what it is like to feel helpless and an invalid when this happens. I can't imagine having the ability I used to have (but have now lost) for the majority of my life and then have this to look forward to. It's depressing.
So when I awoke I could feel cramping in my stomach, so I ran to the bathroom. Of course I was too late. I am always too late. Because of the nerve damage I suffered when my spinal cord was smashed, I have no ability to mentally, subconsciously, or physiologically tighten the sphincters that control when my body releases pee and poop. Instead the best I can do is to head it off and get to a bathroom the minute I feel any type of urge to go.
If you're reading this and know firsthand what I am referring to, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. If you don't know what it's like, count yourself blessed. It's horrid that I not only cannot feel when I am excreting this waste but that I also can't feel where it is on my body because most of the skin below my hips (both the front and rear and sides) is numb. I can feel pressure (like when someone pushes on me), but no subtle sensation like other, unaffected areas of my skin. And the truth is that I am abashedly ashamed of this. No, it's not my fault, but I am still ashamed and very angry that I will never be normal again. I am ashamed that I have to wear Poise pads every day because I never know when I am going to pee unexpectedly. To date I am too proud to utilize Depends for both problems, but even that is starting to wain.
Anyway, back to my being too late. Put bluntly, shit was everywhere. All through my underwear and pajamas...even on the carpet of the bathroom and all over the toilet seat...not to mention that I am actively sitting down in the midst and atop of all this while my body continues to spew horrid-smelling goo. When it finally stops (and there is no way to know, to be honest, if it has truly stopped or just paused), I start working on cleaning myself up. I wiped myself clean from my lower legs to, well you know, and then have to deal with all the places it remains. The toilet is covered, the rug has a nice splotch on it, its throughout my clothes, and yes, it's in my bed too.
My mom wakes up and starts to help me, which immediately starts me thinking that I am unsure if I can ever live without a caretaker again. And to be perfectly honest, I notice that she's dealing with rinsing the shit off my clothes and my bed sheets--just what one wants to do when they wake up in the middle of the night--and I am extremely thankful for her efforts but can't react appropriately because I am so unnerved by everything has just happened. It's finally sunken in. This too is going to be part of my life forever. I gotta remember to pack a backpack with a spare outfit, towels, baby wipes, and more that I keep with me at all times. I gotta seriously think about wearing Depends...me...someone who has worn Victoria's Secret all of her adult life. I admit that this feels like I am surrendering to the life of an invalid, and it has pushed me to a breaking point.
I curl up in my bed as my wild thoughts start to swirl at tremendous speed, and all I can glean from them--the common theme of all of these flashes in my mind--is that my life will never be okay again. I want things to be different, but they never will be. And suddenly a rush of horrible visions sweep into my head. Thoughts of my room on fire while I just sit there and watch, thoughts of shooting myself, thoughts of taking a bat to all of the windows, TVs, and more all over the house simply to watch them explode when I shatter them, even flashes of thoughts of hurting others. Rationally speaking, I am completely in the throes of rage and the only question left is how I shall manage to get out of it.
After a bit, I marched over to the corner of my room and grabbed my cane.With it I beat the crap out of my newly made up bed. I beat it and beat it until I was quite exhausted, and even then I was driven to beat it more. The only way I knew that I could calm down was to physically exhaust myself...and I do give myself props for knowing that. I feel lucky that I had no access to weapons of any kind and that no one came in to disturb me whilst I was in the midst of this rage. I cannot say if I would have hurt them, but I definitely believe I could have. I was dangerous and out of control, so all I could do to negate it was to exhaust myself.
In the end, it worked. I found myself finally leaning against the bed and chucking my cane across the room as hard as I could. I was lucky. The only harm I did was to whack the crap out of my bed, but based on my thoughts it could have been so much worse. What if I had had access to a gun, for example? Or what if I had a bat that could easily smash everything in the house, including people or animals that got in my way? My thoughts were filled with images of this violence, but I fought them. I was horrified that I was envisioning myself acting that way. Scared, even.
So, as awful as it sounds, I actually understand the pathway to madness that brings forth these enraged people who mass shoot or bomb or whatever. I get it. I certainly don't approve of that kind of behavior, of course. I absolutely think that these people should be punished to the max for murder and terrorism, regardless whether they are mentally ill, religious extremists, or just blinded by rage that can't be overcome, whatever. Doesn't matter. I mean, if I was to do something that horrible, which let's face it, with the right circumstances who knows what I could be capable of (probably something extremely dangerous, harmful, and unretractable), I would WANT people to exterminate me so that this would never happen again.
Rage is a scary stage of mental thought processes because the majority of the time it results in actions...actions that are not usually good in nature. It all starts (for me anyway) by standing on the edge of the precipice feeling frustrated. If I could just take my own advice and immediately start calming down through some sort of medium, things might have gone differently for me over the last 3 years. Alas, they didn't, and whilst in rages over my situations, I tried to kill myself repeatedly. I have yet to hurt anyone or anything.
I guess what I am saying is please don't give into hate, which is precisely where rage takes you. Recognize when your level of frustration is getting the best of you and do something to mitigate it. It is the only way toward peace within. All of this I say knowing that my behavior is not a good example of how to do this yet. But I am going to keep trying.
As always, thanks for reading.
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