For me, my constant mourning is for my old life, meaning the life I had almost 7 years ago (pre-9/29/09 to be exact) where I was young and free and physically and mentally able to take on anything thrown at me. For the last 6+ years I have been recovering from a near fatal car accident on that day. I broke my back which has led to many physical problems including learning to walk again, using the bathroom again, etc., and I received a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) which caused me to have to learn to read again, talk with limited vocabulary, and more. It's been a long time since I was "me" because of all the physical therapy, doctor appointments, constant battles with depression and anxiety, and my seemingly never-ending battle with nerve pain, among other things. I could go on, but you get it.
The point is that I am definitely mourning how my life used to be. Sure, it wasn't perfect, and I absolutely have a past that I am not so eager to remember...who doesn't? However, I was proud of who I was back then. I had achieved tremendous success professionally among many other things. I was close to all my friends and family and knew I was loved. In no way did I feel lost.
Yet here I am in April 2016, and I am so far away from the person I was I have a really hard time remembering what it was like to live that way. For example, I was into fashion and shoes. I looooved me some high heels. Yet when I got hurt, the possibility of ever wearing those types of shoes again was nil. And although I dream about wearing them almost every night, in my new life I shall never wear another pair of stilettos or anything with any sort of heel. Instead I now have a life that includes nothing but flats, and to be honest, I hate it...even though I will admit that I do have a cute collection of them.
I will say that my mourning has more than drained me mentally. I have been in and out of psych wards for a while, and I can't really remember anything for the last 2 years I was so mentally sick. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and anxiety. And even though I shouldn't be embarrassed by this fact, I most certainly am. Logically speaking, I know that there are some 70%+ people in the United States who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness, so why do I feel that there is still such a stigma? I don't know, but it is certainly something I don't talk about to most anyone, including my friends.
My everyday reality is that I fight two major battles simultaneously: physical pain and mental illness. The last time I was (psychiatrically) hospitalized (Feb 2016) I promised my family and my doctor that I would dedicate myself to exploring and finding a solution to my life-sucking pain. Pain that is so bad at times that all I can do is scream whilst I lay in my bed from exhaustion. In fact, for years I have spent most of my days bedridden because I deal with this pain all the time. It's done awful things to me mentally, particularly with depression. I have tried to kill myself 7 times in the last year and a half (all overdoses) alone. And sometimes I am just so lost in my head that I can't express myself because there's too much to say and no words that can accurately capture it, so I just place a pillow over my head and hide. Yesterday was one of those days, actually.
It's not always like that though (the need to hide, I mean). Even though I still deal with constant pain all day every day, I have started to work on a vision for my future...something I wasn't sure I would ever be able to achieve. For example, I have re-enrolled in University of Phoenix so that I can finish the degree I started before this accident turned my world upside down. My first class back I got a 99 out of 100, so I am pretty proud of myself for that. I am hopeful that I can keep up the good work. It's not easy between the pain and days like yesterday, but I have somehow found the urge to continue on once again...a remnant of my old life and the old me that I am hoping will stick around.
Even though I have bad days, I am really trying hard to overcome my issues so that I can have a new life that I am happy with. I go to my neurologist on the 28th of April to start a discussion about an implant for my spine that apparently blocks the pain signals from my lower extremities (I'm crossing my fingers for that to go well). Right now I can't remember what it was like to not have pain that debilitates me, and when I do it seems like a dream.
I have started walking my dog myself (as opposed to my mom having to help me) at 5:15 am EVERY day (because he is ready to go whether I am still asleep or not), and I am trying to go further and further in my neighborhood each time we go. I hope to be able to make it around the block next week. Plus I joined the YMCA so that I could go to low impact water aerobics up to 5 times a week. I've only been once to the class so far, but it was great, and I felt great (albeit tired) afterward. I have a baby-step goal to attend at least twice a week and build up slowly to Monday through Friday.
In the end, I hope I can use this site to express how I feel, whether it be good or bad or just so-so. And I hope that some of you who relate to this will comment so that I can get and give support to others who have issues they deal with...especially those of you who are transitioning from an "old" life to a "new" one like I am, or perhaps have issues similar to mine. I look forward to sharing my journey with you.
One last thing...Women's Health magazine coming out for May has a segment about mental illness. Those of you who suffer from mental health issues (men or women) should check it out.
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