Strength

It's an interesting phenomena that the more active you are the better you tend to feel. Because when you feel like crap and are hurting or feel sick or whatever, the LAST thing you're interested in is getting out of bed to do anything.

On Saturday the 23rd, I walked the dog around the block...and yes it was at 5:15 am. I then crawled back into my bed and studied as hard as I could (with the usual interruptions of Facebook, email, and text messages of course!) until 3 pm. Then I dragged my butt out of bed, picked out jeans, a tank top, and a multi-colored sweatshirt (which I LOVE and got from the site www.greatergood.com. I HIGHLY recommend shopping there because it benefits different charities that you choose). I then took a nice, long shower followed by doing my make-up and my hair.

Now, bare in mind that this is something I rarely do and am in the process of changing. I want to get back to living a life where I spend the day in clothes in lieu of pajamas. I want to continue to challenge myself with respect to my physical activity levels getting better, and in turn, my body reaping the benefits of getting stronger. I want to recapture the motivation to stick to a schedule where I walk the dog every day (actually, that's not much of a choice considering he starts pawing at my bed anywhere between 4:45 and 5:15 am EVERY DAY), where I am helpful around the house, where I am more self-sufficient in living my life through keeping my room organized and clean, doing my own laundry, and making meals (because I really do love cooking).

I am also on a slow-moving path that (I hope) will lead to my receipt of a spinal implant that stops pain impulses from certain parts of my body to my brain. My appointment with my neurologist this past Thursday, the 28th, was a waste of time, and I will admit that I was feeling hopeless when I left. Yet, I know I am on the right path. On Friday, May 6th I have an appointment with CMMC's pain management clinic, and I was assured that these people would be able to refer me to a neurosurgeon who could do the implant. And in the big scheme of things, what's one more week after waiting 6.5 years when you think about it?

My point through all of this rambling is this: what I am really trying to tap into is my inner strength. I need it to be successful in any and all of the things I mentioned I wanted to change in my life. I am setting goals that I can accomplish, albeit they feel small to someone who is a natural overachiever. Still, I am focusing mostly on my inner strength because without it none of these things will be possible. I feel as though if I compare my inner strength to the beginning of 2016 there is a distinct difference. Back then I couldn't even imagine how to blaze a trail that could lead to a new life...but I can now, and that, in turn, helps make me stronger. The effects of this rebuilding my inner strength are seemingly cyclical to me...the stronger I get allows me to gain even more inner strength. Another interesting phenomenon.

So I will continue my insanely early walks with the dog, pushing myself to go farther and farther as my body will allow. I will continue to go to the YMCA and take water aerobics to help my body overcome the atrophy I have experienced as a result of being more or less bedridden (due to pain and mental illness which was exacerbated because I just couldn't take the monotony of life with such pain anymore). And I will certainly continue the medical path I am pursuing. In short, I can see that I will get internally stronger than I have been able to imagine these last 6+ traumatic years.

And although I know I will have setbacks and whatnot, I also know that the more I cultivate my inner strength, the better I will handle them...and that's something I really want to achieve.