For those of you who are lucky enough not to be diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder, PTSD, or anxiety, I find myself wondering how many of you truly understand what happens to those of us who do, in fact, have these afflictions. I know that there are many people with horrible situations who face these things every day, and even I don't fully identify with or understand what they go through because it can be different for a lot of us...even though there are typically common elements to these conditions. And I have to be honest and say that I feel particularly vulnerable explaining my experiences with these things with the public because they stem from a very intimate part of me...my brain and how it thinks. It's going to take a few posts to cover this stuff; however, I did promise to be completely open in this blog, so here goes.
Starting with PTSD, it's an odd condition to deal with and not at all pleasant or convenient. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a terrible thing to experience, and even with tons of therapy and learning techniques to overcome the severity of it, sometimes one can't ever truly get away from it. My PTSD was very severe after my accident first happened. I had a hard time, as you can imagine, being in a car with someone who might take their eyes off the road for even a second (which, let's face it, we all do while driving). I would literally watch the person who was driving me to ensure they were paying attention at all times and would totally freak out (in my head mostly...although at times I would make a small scene) if they diverted their attention for even a second. Because if you read the story of my accident through the link in my last post you know that I had done that very thing: taken my eyes off the road for a split second. I am happy to say that this part of my PTSD has calmed down a lot since the beginning. I am even able to drive myself and can take my eyes off the road for a second to adjust the radio, the air conditioner, or whatever. Something that astonishes people sometimes. It certainly astonishes me that I am able to do it.
Another part of my PTSD stemmed from the severe nerve damage and horrific pain that I dealt with every day when I was first hurt. When I was first introduced to learning how to shower with my new injuries, it was a terribly painful process. I had to sit in a shower chair, as you probably imagined, and use a portable shower head to rinse myself off...meaning that I wasn't kept warm by the water on a consistent basis. Now, anyone who knows me knows very well that I cannot stand being cold...ever. My friends have often jokingly teased me about developing temporary tourettes syndrome because I can't stop swearing until I am warm again. So that was the first part of my new showering process that was traumatic.
The second part was that the temperature of the water was never quite right. Not because it wasn't an appropriate temperature but because my body's lower extremities were so sensitive to temperature changes that it literally hurt to shower...whether the water was on me or not. My body couldn't handle the changes in temperature, and it would cause me so much pain that I could hardly bare it. Imagine, if you can, someone already in a tremendous amount of pain just laying in bed, who had to face what she knew was going to be torture when it was time to take a shower. It was very traumatic for me to say the least.
Since I have learned to stand again, I no longer have to sit in my chair very often and my shower doesn't have a portable head, so I am centered in the warm water throughout the process. However, the trauma I experienced for a few years when showering still affects me to a point today. I am happy to say that the instant change in temperature doesn't hurt as badly as it used to, and it is extremely helpful to be able to stay under the warm water continuously (of course getting out of the shower is a slightly different story because, like all of us, I am blasted with colder air the moment I turn off the water and open the shower curtain). Yet I get through it.
Unfortunately though, I am still severely affected by this particular part of my PTSD. I have an extremely difficult time motivating myself to take showers. In fact, to this day, I procrastinate and avoid them as much as possible because I can't stop my brain from connecting those harsh memories of pain with showering today...even though that painful process doesn't happen any more. I still can't be the person I was before the accident: one who showered almost every day and was fine with it. It's something I mourn for quite vehemently because I don't like being dirty. In fact, I hate it and am extremely embarrassed by it. Yet, it's part of my PTSD that I haven't conquered yet, after almost 7 years. As hard as it is to admit this, I can go for a week without showering, if I'm being completely honest. And although I hate every minute of it (truly), something in my brain stops me from simply going into the bathroom, taking off my clothes, and getting into (what is now) a lovely, warm stream of water. I mean, once I actually do get in, I always tell myself to remember how good this feels and how good it feels to be clean. Yet, to date, that has not helped me get over my PTSD regarding showers. I try to put showering into my schedule so that I do it on a regular basis, but that hasn't helped yet either.
I am now, interestingly enough, mostly able to force myself to move past my fear and get in when I have appointments, social or otherwise, because I am going to be seen by others. It's as if my PTSD gets overcome by the fact that I don't want people to know I have this problem, so I use every bit of inner strength that I have and just grit my teeth while I get in. And once I'm there, I'm totally fine. Like I said, I enjoy it and love the feeling of being clean. So my objective is to be more active so that this part of me gets (hopefully) easier and easier. After all, I can only hope that someday I will conquer this obstacle in my life for good.
As for the "becoming more active" part, there's always plans to hang out with people I know, or doctor appointments to which there is no end in sight. But I actually mean more than that. I am sick and tired of staying at home most of the time, so I have decided to go back to volunteering. I have a few places that I have contacted and am waiting to hear back. I'll let you know more when I do.
And finally, an update on my journey to getting help with the constant nerve pain in my lower extremities, etc.. Today I meet the psychologist who is trained in pain management. If I'm being honest, I have pretty much lost all hope that this journey is going to do anything but be a waste of money and time, but I have promised my mother that I will go to all of the appointments in the process and have an open mind while doing so. Of course, if I had my druthers, we all know that I would rather skip all of these unnecessary steps and just see a freaking neurosurgeon to determine if I am a candidate for the spinal implant procedure or not. However, since that's obviously impossible, I have resolved myself to getting on with my life and just accepting the fact that I have pain I have to deal with. I mean, yes, it can get very bad at times, but after almost 7 years of practice I have learned to endure it so that no one even knows it's happening. So, again, we'll see what today brings, but I have little doubt its just another step that wastes my time and money...oh, and is also a step that I am positive will have to be repeated several times before this psychologist finally writes her damn recommendation. Yes, it sounds awesome, I know (again, as my keyboard drips with sarcasm).
Until then, thanks for reading, and stay tuned.
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