Many of you are aware that I have had quite a difficult week. I overdosed (again) on Monday last week and posted a goodbye message to my Facebook friends. I would have been successful except for my post and my action-taking friends. So instead of just going to sleep and never waking up, the cops showed up, followed by an ambulance, and I spent the night in the hospital. When I came home on Tuesday, I slept most of the day, and on Wednesday I was right back to desperate. I had taken a very sharp knife, which I stashed in my room, and even though my mom kept asking me about it, I lied and said I had no idea where it was. That night, after my mother went to sleep, I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and held the knife to my throat. It was my plan to simply slit a few major veins, climb into the bathtub, and eventually pass out.
But when it came to it, I couldn't do it. And I tried several different ways to just get over myself and do what I had planned to do. Yet, those of you who have been paying attention, well you are aware that I'm not really into pain, and it hurt when I tried to shove the knife into my neck. It hurt, like, a lot. So ultimately I couldn't do it. At that point, honestly, I felt like the biggest failure ever, believe it or not. I mean, when you reach the point where you are determined to kill yourself but can't ultimately do it, yeah. It feels like failure. So I lay in my bed afterwards and thought about taking my car and plunging into the river. It was late at night, so minimal (if any) witnesses would be around, and my car would submerge with me in it long before emergency services could help me.
However, I didn't do that either. Instead I started to read and respond to all of the outreach I had received via Facebook. I posted an update saying that I was okay and thanked those who had taken action because they saved my life. I also explained that what I go through everyday in my new life is more than difficult without friends (which, funny enough, was the subject of my last post in this blog, but by coincidence only). Most of you who are part of my Facebook network saw the post, and the outpouring of support I received was almost overwhelming...and definitely a big surprise. I haven't had that many people reach out and want to make plans with me for years. To be honest, the thought of people from all over Maine (and the country for that matter) wanting to show their support and working to make plans with me...that alone has made me stronger (which was another blog post, again coincidentally). And honestly, I am soooo looking forward to seeing those of you who have made plans with me.
Of course I recognize that my feeling good right now is precarious. I still have moments (some of them lasting for hours) where the pain is so great that it starts to screw with my thinking. It creates thoughts of pure desperation to make this pain stop in any way possible, including ending my life. Yet, I know that I can't think that way, even in the midst of those desperate moments. I know that I want have a future, and I will simply have to make due with submitting to the pain I have and the many physical limitations that I live with to have a good life.
My current future includes a niece on the way...Abbey...who should arrive in September. I have plans to finish my masters at/around the end of 2018. And finally, I am starting to design and create a business plan for a complex business network that is almost all non-profit. When I think about what could be accomplished by this organization I am designing, I truly think it can and will make a difference in the world; plus, I already have people willing to help (which is pretty cool). So I just have to stick with my plan and stay focused on these amazing things that are in my immediate future.
With this paradigm-shifting focus to positive thinking--which is particularly important while I am confronted with horrible pain and the mental stress it causes me--in lieu of getting lost in the negative thinking that so easily overcomes me at this point, I am truly hopeful that I am on a different path today than I have been thus far in all (almost) 7 years of this experience. I sincerely hope I can hold onto this new way of coping. And I think that socialization is one of the keys to all of this.
I have no illusions that this shift from the negative to the positive will be easy, particularly in the heat of the moment when I am feeling massive pain and desperation. However, I also know that I am going to practice. Hard. And even though sometimes I might find myself falling into the negative, that's okay, so long as I find my way back to focusing on the positive in the end. Take this morning for example. I am reading the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People", and I gotta say its tough to read when you're coming from my position. I mean, it took me a few days just to admit that I belonged to the group "good people" so that I could continue reading. And again this morning I reached a point where I just chucked my kindle away from me because I couldn't handle any more of what the author was saying. I was starting to head down that negative thinking pathway, and I knew it, so I forced myself to put on some music that I knew always put me in a good mood. And soon enough I was singing along and even dancing (if one can call it that), and that negative crap was gone...replaced with positive thinking. I call that progress.
One last thing before I end this. Many of you have said that you should have been a better friend to me. Let me crush that thinking right now. You all have lives to live, and you're all busy. None of this is anyone's fault. Plus, I have been so reluctant to reach out that I am probably on the edge of being officially deemed agoraphobic. In fact, I will admit that I am a little overwhelmed to go from having no plans except for doctor appointments to having social plans with people I care about. But its overwhelming in a good way and I know that with just a little push, I can do it. After all, that's the mantra I've lived by all my life: I can do anything if I try hard enough. And it's worked so far.
And for those of you who don't know the backstory, I have a few links. Years ago I started a blog where I explained exactly what happened in my accident, etc.: Why I Survived. After hitting a few rough patches, I started a sequel to my first: Surviving the Seemingly Survivable, but only made it to 4 posts until I once again hit another wall. If you are interested in reading them, I suggest you start from the first post (which is available through the links on the side by date). That's where you can find the backstory that inspired me to write this blog, and this time I am putting myself out there much more than I ever have because I figure, why not? Anyway...until next time...thanks for reading.
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