Friends

Since my last post I have continued to build my inner strength and am trying my best to stay on a positive path, with the exception of the water aerobics. I haven't quite been able to work myself into a regular schedule with those classes, yet, it is still my goal to do so.

This particular post I want to talk about my old life versus new, in particular, friends. You see, prior to my accident, I always had a lot of friends. Both male and female, and I never felt alone really. However, last night as I walked to the car after a movie, I had a moment of clarity. I thought hard and deep about this epiphany, and I am sad to say that I think I'm right about this: when it comes to the friends I have now, I can think of only 4 people (this is disregarding Facebook, of course, because everyone there has like 150+ friends) that are still friends with me...and only one of them lives in my state. 

I know that sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am, but its a hard smack in the face when you suddenly realize that almost all of your best friends aren't there anymore. More so they won't even talk to you when you reach out to them. And this is true. The people who were my best friends for decades haven't spoken to me (without giving me a reason why either...which naturally makes me insane trying to think of what I could have done) for about 4.5 years now.

Did they decide I wasn't worth it after seeing me so disabled? I can't imagine that it's true, but I don't know for sure. Is it because I am a mean person? I don't think I was/am, but again, I don't know for sure. I do know that people come in and out of your life as you grow, so perhaps it is some form of that, but that doesn't explain why they have completely shut me out of their lives.

I guess this is going to be yet another part of my mourning process with this accident crap. Just another thing to have to get over. Yet, I have to say, I'm lonely without my friends. I miss them terribly. I see things or hear things that instinctively make me pick up my phone to tell them, only to remember that they aren't there anymore. What did I do?

I guess the point I am learning and making in this post is that we all should be thankful for our friends. They are a true blessing (even if sometimes they annoy you), and you will surely regret it if you lose them. I know this first hand. So celebrate them...if not for yourself then for me.

Lastly, an update on the path to the neurosurgeon. I went on May 6th to see the pain management clinic doctor--a very nice man--but I gotta say that he didn't make me feel at all comforted that I would be able to get better. So yes, in the end I was pretty hopeless that I was ever going to feel better.

The next step, according to this doctor, is for me to meet with a psychologist that specializes in pain management. Why, you ask? I haven't the slightest idea. In my mind this is a bogus step in the process that not only delays the possibility of me feeling better, but it's complete hokum. What the heck does a psychologist have to do with any of this? I mean, really. It's weird that I have to do this.

I really had hoped that this procedure would already be scheduled by now...perhaps taking place in the middle of June...but instead I have to wait to meet with this psychologist on June 8th to talk about God-knows-what. At this rate I am on track to have this procedure at the end of the year, if at all. Yes, it's awesome news, I know (as my keyboard drips with sarcasm).

At this point I am at a juxtaposition between being really lost, lonely, hopeless, and hopeful. It is, I admit, a difficult place to be. I don't know what else to do except keep on keeping on. Like Beyonce says in her song, Freedom: "Imma keep running 'cause a winner don't quit on themself". (Yes, the grammer is clearly bad, but it's powerful in the song) Until next time...